Hello dudes and dudettes!
YOU READ THAT POST TITLE RIGHT.
THE ROASTING GENRE SERIES IS BACK!!!!!
Along with my hiatus came my break from my series in roasting genres, which I was a wee bit sad. These posts were always so much fun to write, and it seems they were loved by everyone.
And so it begins………
First, let’s meet our main character, Celebrían Chin’nesstre.
Since no ones really knows how to pronouce names in fantasy stories (and Celebrían is no exception – what are those apostrophes doing there anyway?), we’ll just call her Celery for now.
Now of course, it’s very important to pay attention here and NEVER stray away from blonde haired, blue eyed females for the MC. (Usually making them a chosen one of some sort makes this even better.) It is STRICTLY forbidden to let your MC be anything else than a perfect looking white skinned female. It’s mostly frowned upon to have any sort of ethnic diversity, and Asians, Hawaiians, Russians, Indians, and Native Americans? Well, they don’t really exist in fantasy novels. (Note: Occasionally, it is permitted to have a dark skinned side character, but that is where their roles and diversity stops.)
When it comes to Celery’s personality, she doesn’t really have one. Except if you count the only personality girls have in fantasy books – feisty, angsty, and sassy.
Before we get on with anything relevant to the actual story, let’s make sure we have a really good prologue. Celery is hurrying to get to The Fair, and she’s never late for the fair.
The Fair usually looks something like this.
(IMPORTANT NOTE TO CONSIDER: I seriously recommend never, ever, EVER, deviating from Medieval England when thinking up your setting. Pay close attention here: The only setting you should ever have is this: 1200’s Medieval England with randomly magical qualities. Do not consider even moving to a different country, time, or actually thinking up a decent or original magic system. Do you understand me?)
Young Celery will soon look down on her perfect blonde braid and think of her father. She does remember much – he died when she was so young, but she remembers his strong hands, whenever he fished or carpentered or whatever he did with them.
Of course, she’s only been at the bustling market for much too short when she realizes she’s late and must hurry home to her mother. She gently chides Celery as she gulps down some porridge. (Don’t worry, the mom will be dead by page 42, so she won’t be around to worry Celery much longer.)
useless prologue, now drawing to a close, ends with this:
“And then, just like that, everything changed.”
When she turned sixteen (#TheMagicalAge) suddenly a wizard visits her. (Where did this
old man with a long white beard guy even come from?? He might as well have floated out of the sky on a dragon – you know what? This is already ridiculous. Let’s make that what happens.) He tells Celery in what becomes the most shocking plot twist ever devised for a YA fantasy: that Celery is, in fact, The Chosen One.
What does this MEAN, Celery demands to know.
Be careful to note here: Being The Chosen One means you can ONLY be called to use her magical powers (which she strangely never noticed before?) to defeat the Evil People™ (usually some sort of royalty), who has held the world under an iron rule for so, so long.
(The Chosen One must never do anything else but this said Prophecy. Are you following?)
Even though Celery’s never believed in such things, is this what they call destiny?
And then, since we needed another shocking plot twist, in the same day, Celery also finds out that SHE IS A PRINCESS!!!!
How did she not know this?! I mean, how many more peasant servants who are actually secret royalty can they find?
Celery is shocked.
But, as you do, she is begrudgingly brought to the castle where she agrees to living in the castle, as that is what you do when you find out you are secretly royalty.
Suddenly, randomly, completely off the wall, a
extremely handsome and strangely young captain of the royal guard comes back from one of his usual trips to the Other Kingdom™ and bumps into Celery, and strangely, holds a gruff and awkward conversation with her.
Celery is annoyed by his gruffness to her, but she can’t help but notice how handsome he is.
Even his name betrays his good looks.
Captain Dior Elanjar.
^^Not even sorry, this is how I feel when I read books that have a character like this, and the author literally describes him like she has a crush on him.
Dior is very gruff and strict with Celery, and since she is such an independent, strong woman who hates being told what to do, she loves this, as you imagine she would.
But yet, he feels there is something special about her. And he tells this to Celery.
What a strange thought, thinks Celery. To have someone believe in me?
Is this, what it feels like to be in love?
Since Celery does have her own private bedroom suite at this point (why..?), as you would guess, she needs a makeover so she can eat at the king’s table with him. So in a pointless, facepalm worthy scene, she is transformed from this:
And now, she is transformed into the princess that she truly is.
Now that she is ready for her dinner with the king, she is surprised to find that there is someone else at the table with them.
A visiting duke from the nearby Other Kingdom™, Zephyr Soren.
Celery ALSO finds Zephyr extremely nice to look at, and is he perhaps, a little smitten with her as well? He flirts like he is during dinner.
But this does not make sense. No one would like her. She is a plain, boring looking girl. Why would he ever want her, all dressed up, plastered in makeup, and with her amazing features???
Oh dear. Is it possible now that she might have to choose BETWEEN TWO DIFFERENT GUYS???
When she takes a stroll in the gardens, she finds that the palace dogs are attracted to her, and she seems to have a way with them.
Also, since we’re on the subjects of her perfect and amazing abilities, might I add here that she is also a flawless NATURAL on the piano, even though she has never played it a day before in her life. (also why does this world have pianos?) And even though she has never made any mention of it at all, when she plays this piano, she is music. She breathes music. She lives music. And her voice is like an angel’s.
(and oh wait she can also use magic too. #dontforgetthat)
(Another Important Note: Your female MC absolutely MUST be amazing when it comes to dogs, animals, music, horses and horseback riding, and archery. (Quite the array, is it not?) She must be perfect in these types of skill levels. She must never have an affinity for making things, pretty clothes, cats, AND FOR GOODNESS SAKES, NOT BAKING OR COOKING.)
And Chior and Zephyr definitely take a noticing.
But oh yeah. This is supposed to be suspenseful and action packed. Can’t lie about what we said in the blurb. So we should definitely throw in some random scenes where Celery is plotting against the Evil People™ and hunting them down and using her magic against them, fighting side by side with Dior. (perhaps there might even be a…..kiss???) (but then so much angst because Zephyr gave her a present just the night before and she thought she loved HIM most!!!!)
Will Celery ever learn to use her magic to defeat the Evil People? Who REALLY was behind her sudden ascent to royalty? And most importantly, WHICH BOY WILL SHE CHOOSE????????
The title of this masterpiece?
The Last Throne Of The Unhewn Blade
and since there are no stand alones in fantasy, and it wouldn’t be a fantasy series without a “chronicles”,
The Glass Magician Chronicles Book 1
And of course here are AESTHETICCCCCSSSSS
Wow. That was, that was bad.
At least I hope it was. You weren’t supposed to like it – this is rather cheesy in my opinion.
Like wow. It seems as though most fantasy books on the market are just a deviant (or sometimes, we don’t even stray from it at all) of this plot.
I understand sometimes it’s hard to deviate from this plot because that’s all we’ve been fed, so our brains have to work extremely hard to come up with something original, and it is very easy to take the lazy way out and fall back on this standard premise and character idea menagerie.
I understand this. Fantasy can be a tricky world to work with, especially when it’s not your strong suit. (#preachingtomyself)
But we’ll never get rid of these stereotypes of YA fantasy if we never try to do something different!
Let’s look at a few different ideas for shaking up a cliche fantasy plot:
- iT dOeSnT hAvE tO bE a RoMaNcE I’ll be the first to say, I ADORE a book with a good romance. (And while I find love triangles painful, I love a shipping war XD) But, I would find it very interesting to read a really well written and deep fantasy book that isn’t about romance. There are MANY other relationships to explore, from true friendship to siblings to parents to aunts and uncles to grandparents to cousins and young and old and everything in between!
- PLEASE LET ME SEE GUY MCs YA fantasy is notorious for its overuse of the 16-20 year old female protagonist. I’d really love to see some guys as main characters! It would be great to read it from their point of view and feelings. I’ll definitely stan more dudes and the main characters in fantasy, and other genres as well!
- Consider different settings This is hard for me as well, because as a person who is not exactly……creative in that area, it can be difficult/near impossible to come up with original setting ideas. But I guess we should all admit – medieval England is a bit overused! Sometimes, just executing even this cliche setting can be done well, as long as you put some thought and effort into it. But also, try thinking of some new ideas to bounce around in your head for settings. What about Arabia? Or China? Or Iceland? Or maybe even North America? The world is an incredible place – pay attention to God’s creativity in his Earth and mix it into yours!
- Does the MC have to be a teenager? This is an interesting thought. What if your main character was the age of the mother in your story? Or even grandfather age? Or maybe a little child? This really gives you an opportunity for a new and unique voice and take on a fantasy tale.
And that’s just a few ideas!
Of course, I’m trying to teach myself here as well. I’m learning too.
Was that fake fantasy novel pretty bad? What is the worst fantasy novel you’ve ever read? What about your favorite? Are you happy that the genre roasting series is back? What genre should I do next? What fantasy cliches drive you bonkers?